Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
