wanna go halves on a baby?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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