why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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