booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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