you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
