Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Fuck appropriateness.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
