he wants to bone in the snuggie
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
