I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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