Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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