remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
