I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
