I want to walk on stilts...naked
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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