OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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