you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
