I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
i think i just lost a toe
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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