to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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