i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm too high and old for this...
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