and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
