i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
