Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Are we still banned from the library?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
