yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Vodka?
Forever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
