Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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