God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
