My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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