Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
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I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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