That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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