Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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