So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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