Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
