If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
