It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
