I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
