I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
