Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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