Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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