She's like a pop up book from hell.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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