Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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