I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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