I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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