theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
