I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
