they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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