So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
not ubering you a puppy
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
