everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
