It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
