Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
