everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
