Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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