I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just had sex bonerless
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So many bounce houses so little time
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
