Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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