In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
