remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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