His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
