Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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