Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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