i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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