had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
