I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
