You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
