When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
