My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
