You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
