I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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