i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
