I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize