The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
