why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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