There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
